I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
