jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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