There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
