Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
