Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I had to cum in my sink.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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