why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Just high enough for therapy.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
