sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
