names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
