You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just want to make out with him forever
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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