I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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