my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
