Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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