I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
