so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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