I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
