i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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