pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
its not stalking. its research.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
