Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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