the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
