"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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