ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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