you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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