It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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