THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
