He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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