I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
