i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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