Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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