hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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