It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
