I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
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