well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
