Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
