THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
