spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
