I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
