You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
