We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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