Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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