I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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