i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
