I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
