i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
