Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Will exercising make me less horny?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
