Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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