the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
