mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
