as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
