tell your sister to shave her snatch
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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