I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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