I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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